Updated: May 7
Before the images on social media with the well thought out captions, before even the spoken word performances and the poetry in books, my way of expressing myself was personally through journaling.
Currently I am re-evaluating how I want to show up in the world. Part of me has so much to say and part of me just wants to stay quiet and just look within. Now that I am this being that has a social media presence and whom desires to lead by example how do I take the time to express myself to myself without acknowledging that what I am expressing could be beneficial for someone else?
I am not in the space to string together words in a profound way. I want to be raw in my expression so sharing my journaling to an extent would allow me to do so BUT I have had to put thought into even writing this replacing words with better fitting words. It's hard to express yourself freely when you know it's not just for your eyes which takes away from what journaling is. I feel constricted. What you are allowed to put on the internet these days is not clear cut and what I put up is often being deleted. As an artist and a person who is very calculated in how I post things I feel stifled and it makes me want to say fuck it. But expressing myself is what I do and I don't know how to go back to not doing it publicly anymore.
So I'm going to go back the best I can, as nothing can be undone. I just wanted to write on pen and paper about how proud I am for the way I handled a situation with a love today, but then I thought well maybe I should type it, as I remember the box full of diaries I had since I was a kid that got thrown away because I'm a minimalist now so if I'm going to journal I need it to not be thrown away later having only being read by me.
But the dilemma in sharing my life is that it is connected to others, so how do I share in a way that respects the moment we shared. I like sharing moments as I want to show people reality unscripted as the lines of what is real and what is for entertainment purposes have been so screwed up at this point in time. As a writer, as someone who likes to talk about relationships and love I want to show real life examples of how to work through disagreements, the real sweet conversations, the authentic pissy thoughts. I just want to be me and express what that looks like.
So I have this journal and I have twitter, let's see how this unfolds.