Updated: May 7
I no longer desire to become owned. I no longer want to be told what to do.
I've spent a year on my own navigating being a submissive without a dominant to protect and guide me so I've had to learn how to do it on my own and during this time I have also undergone a lot of shadow work to address childhood wounding. So looking back at a healing session I had where I ended up crying and stating that I feared I was going to lose BDSM, to which the person assisting me responded you just won't live it the same way, I now see how things have transformed. I also remember the time a few years ago that I saw an alternative medicine practitioner and she was very bothered that I wore a collar around my neck and I understand that now too. My desire to no longer be open to being owned stems from the understanding that I am a very complex person always transforming so I do not feel someone could truly be aware of how to own me in a way that is for my best interest. I'm constantly learning how to do what's best for the evolving me so how can they be outside of me and understand? Also while doing processing the end of my last power exchange dynamic I had to do a lot of work to unbind myself from that person and I feel things like the devotion I repeated daily was a cause of us being bound so tightly. BDSM is a spiritual practice to me so I will be mindful moving forward in how I ritualize my play. Also I got really tired of men telling me I was there's. I used to really love hearing that but once I noticed the men whom were saying it were only saying it from the desire of wanting access to my sexuality whenever they wanted it as opposed to wanting to take responsibility for owning a living breathing being with needs it started to sound shitty to me. So moving forward I will continue to wear collars as I love them as a symbol of my submissive nature but it will not be tied to me having an owner for I am a feral kitten now whom loves to roam as her own intuitive guide but I am open to suggestions.
Which leads to my realization that I no longer want to be told what to do. Now with this realization I had to ask myself if I am still submissive and after looking at my behavior in the presence of dominant men my answer is yes. One of the men I worked with when I did the healing session that brought to my attention BDSM as I knew it would change for me, was a Dom and the way he explained his viewpoint was very interesting to me. To the best that I can remember he explained that a man can express dominance in a natural way that encourages a woman to respond by being in her natural submissive state. As a woman who feels submissive is my natural state and whom prefers to have a dominant submissive relationship with a man this resonated with me. Later on I noticed how if a dominant man protected and directed me in a way that made me feel I could trust him I would follow his suggestions or do the things he asked and that I felt more excited about doing what he wanted if I wasn't told to do it. I have found that this method works for me even as a babygirl who loves to have tasks and be guided by a Daddy Dom. My desire is to be pleasing so when asked to do something that he would like but also feels good for my best interest complying is a win win. So overall I want to be lulled into my obedience but in some instances I do find it necessary to be told what to do. I suffer from anxiety at times so being told to sit down, relax, breathe and things of that nature is needed when I am not in a place to think in a calm manner.