• divine yemoja oshun

what being asexual (ace) looks like for me


[asexual]- one who does not experience or rarely experiences sexual attraction to any gender, or who otherwise has very little interest in sexual activity, if at all {found on radicallyqueer.wordpress.com}


back when i was in an open relationship with my previous Dom we were discussing me meeting this guy whom i had been talking to casually online for awhile. my Dom wanted to know what he was giving me permission for so he asked if we were going to have sex. i replied i hadn't thought about it and he acted like that was weird so it made me wonder.


years later that is the first moment that came to my mind when i learned about asexuality.


i mean yes the man had an attractive muscled body, beautiful dark colored skin and nice locs but none of that made me want to have sex. so after analyzing my entire sexual experience it dawned on me i experience aesthetic attraction not sexual attraction. and i must say hair is one of those aesthetic attractions. lots yes! braids yes! a head with just a little bit of hair (my fellow baldies) yes! beards yes! i realized this because when someone changed their hair my attraction changed as well. ahh you cut your beard. ahh you took your braids down. (you get pure honest stories from me but i do want to say wear your hair how you want don't let others attraction govern your choices) so this totally makes sense why i am a licensed cosmetologist as i get to play in what i love. i love watching hair braiding videos. okay i'm going to stop talking about hair now.


i do enjoy physically connecting with others like kissing, holding hands, hugging, and cuddling but penetration not too much except for anal. anal sex is a portal for me that i love to visit. i realized i've mostly had sex because i wanted to physically connect with someone and for a lot of the people i've came across kissing for awhile has to lead to sex and i felt okay going further to please them and in other times when i didn't feel comfortable i've been raped.


the thought or act of sex doesn't excite me. now here comes the part that may be confusing. i know because i was trying to understand it at first. i was like how the hell could being asexual resonate for me, cause i was feeling it but it wasn't clear why as i have had amazing sexual experiences. but the thing is it wasn't because i was being penetrated orally or vaginally. what made some experiences exciting was due to the thrill of the setting like being pinned up against a tree at night not too far from the side of the road (i got some stories for y'all). also because sexuality intrigues me so so much i took to learning how to perform sexual acts very well and i loved this control feeling i got from seeing how i've pleasured someone into a bliss coma. (i was knocking people out, they wake up like what the hell happened how long was i out). i really feel me being so sensual elevates sexual experiences so learn from me lovers. honestly i struggled with the fact i didn't have sex more because i felt bad that more people couldn't experience that level of bliss. i thought i had a purity complex from growing up in the Bible belt and i was tying to keep my numbers low so everyone i had sex with would feel special.


now that i am aware of what aspects i enjoy i do more sensual things in exciting ways. when i would have sex the majority of the time i would feel short changed like they blissed out and all i got was a little bit of kissing or skin to skin contact. so i would think of ways it could be better for me next time but i rarely experienced better but i was hopeful. realizing i was ace stopped me from chasing better sexual experiences.


i think sex can be amazing for others and that's why i am sex positive. when i go to sex positive parties i enjoy the fact that others are enjoying sex and i don't have to be involved.


there are different types of attraction. i mentioned aesthetic and another i experience is sensual attraction. since i love kissing i will get an intuitive feeling of who is a great kisser and i'll desire to kiss them. i connected with an amazing kisser at a sex positive party, so no you don't have to be seeking sex or have sex at a sex positive party.


another type of attraction is romantic and i'll share my experiences with that in my next post.


*i believe sexuality is fluid so there is no need to attach to a label. as a transformationist i know once you learn new information it's great to evolve, changing or letting go of levels as needed.